Mexico V.S. US and Canada: Cultural Differences… April 26
Mexico V.S. US and Canada:
Cultural Differences Are Harder to Get Over Than We Think.
You’re in Mexico now. Cultural differences mean that friendship is full of uncomfortable little surprises. The cultural rules are DIFFERENT, in particular, those that define honesty.
Cultural differences give life a sort of before and after feel when you first come to Mexico. As in: before things worked, now I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.
Before
For example, friendships are defined by the giving and receiving of favors. We take turns buying each other lunch. You give me a ride home from work and I help you drop off your car at the mechanic next month. You loan me money, I pay it back when I say I will. I can’t go to your party, so I call you up the night before. I don’t want you to be looking for me, wasting money on food I won’t be able to eat. I know that you’ll understand my absence. Friendship is smooth, effortless, as long as we are honest with each other, right? Wrong. You’re in Mexico now. The cultural rules for friendships are DIFFERENT.
After
Now I have to offer you food if I’m going to eat. If I suggest that we eat out, I have to buy your food. You give me a ride, home, but I don’t have a car. How will I pay you back? You loan me money, but I don’t ever have to pay you back and it would be very rude of you to ask for it. I can’t go to your party, but I don’t dare tell you that. I tell you I’ll be there even if I know I’ll be in Timbuktu. Besides, you have to have tons of food ready because I might just show up with my family of 6: all of them hungry.
At this point, you might be saying, “Ok, so the cultural differences exist. How can I have friendships be part of my life in Mexico?” After all you wouldn’t live or retire in Mexico, if you didn’t want to have Mexican friends. Keep your foot out of your mouth by reading more about how people make friends first in Mexico and some of the cultural differences in how we have friendships.
When you first get here you will be vigorously targeted for favor relationships (as described in the page about friendships). How should you respond? Read about how talking to your neighbors helps you to build a strong future when you live or retire in Mexico .
You may have guessed that the same cultural differences will affect your relationships with coworkers. Keep your foot out of your mouth by reading more about the cultural differences in work relationships .
I mentioned honesty above. How we define honesty causes a lot of friction and frustration between ourselves and our new friends and coworkers. Surprisingly, this cultural difference in how we express honesty affects the right way to make requests . It also means that there are certain things we can’t say. Even the way we loan people our things is different in Mexico. Learn how to avoid asking why does everyone keep my stuff?
As you grow and adapt to the cultural differences you will find yourself changing. Some of these things make funny jokes. Find out what might happen to you after a year or two of living in Mexico by reading You might be becoming Mexican if…
Laura Oct 15
Julia, I have really enjoyed reading through the information on your website. My family is in a situation similar to yours, and I wish I would have found this site sooner (I’ve been living in Mexico for 1 year). We will possibly be living in Mexico in a more long-term way, and it is so difficult to find information that is geared toward non-independently wealthy expats married to “normal” Mexicans. In fact, I would love more information about a Mexican spouse with little/no specialized education and/or connections finding work in Mexico as well as raising children in Mexico — two topics very near and dear to me! I didn’t notice either of these two topics in the table of contents of your book – or did I overlook them?
Thank you again for your website – I think it is great!
Julia Taylor Oct 15
Laura,
I am SO GLAD you found my site and even more glad that you find it useful! I really wanted people in “our situation” to have this site as a resource and to be in touch with each other. I felt so alone when I first decided/was forced to move to Mexico. You’re right, most guide books and other expats assume you want to move to Mexico and they assume you have money. I’ll never forget listening to one expat wife talking about the hard times when they had to bucket water from the swimming pool to flush their toilette. …When I run out of water, I’m out. There’s no pool.
As I’ve developed my site and my book I have tried to gear it to people who are retiring in Mexico, too, because there are many more of them who might like to buy the book. I did not cover raising children in Mexico in my book, but I did put in a section about getting their citizenship certs and passports etc. if they are born in Mexico. I just have one article about raising a child in Mexico and you can find that on the articles page of my web site under the section “Expatriate Life.”
You might find my book useful in that it describes in detail how to live in Mexico on a tight budget. It talks about getting to know neighbors (in a not-rich neighborhood). The whole perspective is from this “disadvantaged” position we found ourselves in.
My husband has a couple of short sections that he wrote in the book about cultural activities, but there’s not a lot about him in the book. I didn’t want to make the book personal in a way that wasn’t useful to most of my audience. You’d have to read between the lines to find out about living with an undereducated Mexican husband.
I am an “expert” on the allexperts web site and I’ve answered a few questions for other women in relationships with Mexican men on that site. You could put ‘allexperts Julia Taylor’ into your search engine, then click on “view past answers” and see if any of them are of interest to you.
Write back. I’d love to hear more from you and share more personal stories about spouses, careers, making friends, having a family…. We don’t have to put it all up here on the comments page, either. You could email me directly.
Sincerely, Julia Taylor
Kathy Denman Dec 8
Dear Julia,
Thank you for this wonderful website. I am feeling much encouraged just reading through all of its pages and links. When I earn a little more money, I am definitely going to buy both books.
I came here to Ensenada, Mexico from Illinois about a year and two months ago to help an American friend who was living here return to the United States. After I arrived here, a combination of unfortunate circumstances made not only her return with me impossible, but also drained my financial resources so that my return was also impossible. When my financial resources were gone, my “friend” went on to seek help elsewhere. Thus, I have been living here on my own with virtually nothing for most of these 14 months.
In that time I have discovered that learning the culture is much more difficult than learning the language. In terms of language, I now speak and read Spanish very well, well enough for the phone company, the bank, all the stores, including auto parts and hardware (now becoming part of my necessary Spanish vocabulary), and for church, social gatherings, and interpersonal relationships as well. The more difficult learning for me has been the culture. I live in a colonia in Ensenada in which there are no Americans at all. It is a very working class area in which “Prestame” is a very common request. If I say ‘no’ as you have pointed out, the consequences are isolation and loneliness. I have learned to let go of my “possessiveness” of money in particular (I have so very little of it anyway). I have also learned the reverse – how to let go of my pride and make the same request “prestame” of my neighbors and friends when I need money or food immediately and don’t have it. I have discovered that my neighbors and friends here actually feel more friendship and connection with me when I, too, am able to come to them and say “prestame”. My car is parked on the street and my neighbors “protect” it for me just as you have said. I give rides to people who don’t have a car and they give me food and find me students in return. (I teach music and English and “computacion” (computer skills)to whomever manages to find me or whomever I can find who wants to learn any or all of those things). I have learned that if I go to visit someone I need to always bring something with me (fruit, bread, tortillas, eggs, and soda are always well received and immediately consumed). When I do that, I immediately access the “favor network” you are talking about.
My circumstances are painfully difficult at times, but I am learning so much and feel so affirmed and encouraged by your web site. You have helped me see that in the middle of the most difficult circumstances of my life that the things I am thinking, feeling, and learning are a normal part of the cultural adjustments I have had to make without much help, and these cultural changes and adaptations are making me a better person and my life experience here better. You have also helped me remember that I am not alone, that I am in the midst of many good persons, of whom you are one, that have experienced and are experiencing the same things. Thank you again for your wonderful website. I can’t wait to buy and read your books.
Julia Taylor Dec 10
Kathy,
Thank you for commenting! I’ve gotten some criticism about my treatment of these “culture shock” topics but I’ve insisted on sticking to what I wrote because it’s the truth as I experienced it.
It’s good to know that not only do you agree, but that more importantly, it helped you to read what I wrote. That is my real goal with my web site. To help others by being honest and “saying” what most people are afraid to say so that we can enjoy ourselves more in Mexico as well as adjust better to our communities. Your comments warmed my heart all day after I read them.
I’m sorry you are temporarily “stuck” in Mexico and are experiencing financial difficulties. In my own life I always trust that such “difficulties” are guided by Love and as I look back on my own life I can see how I was lead through difficulties to an even better end result than I could have expected prior to the difficulties. I’m sure the same is true for you.
Be blessed.
Sincerely, Julia Taylor
William Conklin May 17
Your site is one of the most interesting that I have found in a long time. I especially enjoyed the cultural differences discussion. We live in a very small town, Mineral de Pozos, that is just emerging from a long period of “sleep”. There are about 20 full time expats, 30 part time and about 3000 non-expats although with a heavy dose of experience in the US.
We probably spend too much time with other expats as certainly easier as we try to improve our Spanish but try to get involved with the town when ever possible.
We do find that a buenos dias or buenas tardes goes a long way when accompanied by a smile.Probably the most difficult thing for us is the group biases within such a small town. We weren’t prepared to be caught in between ejido and non-ejido when trying to get help. We are also surprised with the indigenous people bias, in our case against Chichimeca tribes that appears almost official as the policia not much help. Finally, we are comfortable with almost everyone and are amazed when some Mexican friends refuse to associate with others citing class differences.
We do truly love Mexico and I will certainly use your website for reference, especially if I can remember a few key phrases.
Julia Taylor May 17
William,
Thank you so much for your comment. I think it’s interesting that people have actually expressed to you — in words — that class differences are causing them to avoid contact with other people. I am always bothered by that aspect, but have never heard anyone “admit” to it. I find that certain people will be very interested in meeting me, then, once they ask what my husband does, they cool off visibly and immediately. It just makes me sick to my stomach.
I think the ejido versus non-ejido aspect is interesting. I’ve known people from ejidos (I’m related to some) but, haven’t observed the two sides active in one town. I’d like to know more about that.
I’m so proud that I can be a reference for you. Keep in touch!
Regards, Julia
Anto Jun 13
Mexico has racism and classism.
Julia Taylor Jun 14
Anto,
It’s everywhere, darn it! The good thing is that people are talking about it, declaring what it is when they see it, and many people have made huge strides toward getting rid of it. Honesty is the first step, right?
Regards, Julia
diego Aug 7
hi Julia T, I diego ,Im mexican, I was reading your webpage, and I agree almost at all, actually I didnt noticed about a lie in your text, just one thing about borrowing money, and it is arround the worldthere are bad person who doesnt care pay , or doesnt want to get back your money, I mean every where you can see that not only in mexico.
well Im from Queretaro it is a small city in the center of the country at north of mexico city.
I just want to say it is good web and useful to foreiners
I know go to diferent country to live is hard because the diferences about behabior, costume thinkings even food can make you crazy sometimes, but is normal.
but later you can find that you can be one more of them is’nt it?
I went to canada about 5 months and I know there are difereces between canadian people and usa people.
but the thing is help each other I mean If my mate is happy I will be happy too.
also if I can help to make it better just let me know
bye Diego
ps sorry if my english is not really good
Julia Taylor Aug 7
Diego,
It was so kind of you to write. You’re right about how Culture Shock changes your perspective over time. Canadians and Americans seem so “cold” to me now that I have lived in Mexico for so long — but they are nicer in stores and banks (go figure!). It can take them weeks to reach out and even introduce themselves, then when they think of it, it’s too late because it seems silly by that time.
You are so kind to offer help. We are really just fine.
I’ve been to Queretaro. It’s a really nice city.
Regards, Julia C. Taylor
gabriela Jul 15
ok soooo…. im mexican and i hear what you saying but… Even if your friends like you a lot and call you comadre you will never ever be one of them and they wont treat you the same way. For us all the people that live on the other side of the border are gringosss!! and they’ll always be. so please dont trust nor believe evetything you read pleople.