Chimamanda Adichie, a Nigerian novelist tells how a “single story” can blind us to reality. Watch her speech at http://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story.html. She even talks about her own encounter with Mexico and about her false impressions, quickly shattered once she got there.

We must all be as honest as she is.

Imagine. You’ve just struck up a conversation with someone and have been talking for about five minutes about a town that you both happen to love to visit.  Your American self is about ready to say goodbye and never see that person again. Why would you? You might just comment later to your partner what a nice conversation you had, but that’ll be it. Suddenly, the Mexican person says, “Give me your phone number.”  You freak. You wonder if they’re a stalker or something.

They wonder what they said wrong. After all, they just let you know that they though you were a worthwhile acquaintance and would like to keep in touch. They think you are really being a snoot not to give your number.

Once you get used to this way of connecting with people, it’s really fun. In Mexico you just make friends first and let the relationship work itself out. Some people you never hear from again. Others you do.  As you find common ground or mutually beneficial skills, items, acquaintances, etc. then you develop a favor relationship. Once you get used to it, this is a really great way to be.

When you live in Mexico you can shed your suspicion and isolation and really have a great sense of community.  It’s also a great way to help make yourself safe when you live in Mexico.

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This Definitely Ain’t Kansas Anymore.

One of the cultural differences that has stood out most to me in dealing with my coworkers has to do with time.

Need to know more about working in Mexico?
Click here to see a description of an e-book prepared by the author of this website.

As an American, when I’m pressed for time I tend to rush around and minimize on little polite niceties. I just started a new position at my school which has increased my stress level 100 fold. I’ve been doing a job by myself that really should have two people to fill it. A side benefit of the job has been an opportunity to learn more about the cultural differences between our two countries. Anyway, I’ve been pressed for time.

My coworkers began to give me stony-faced looks and say less and less to me. I’ve been in Mexico long enough to recognize this as a sign of trouble. No one was short with me. No one confronted me. No one disguised a comment about my behavior as a joke. No one took me aside to ask what was the matter. They just got really quiet. Don’t expect Mexicans to tell you that they have a problem. They won’t. (By the same token you should NEVER scold them.)

I realized that by coming into their offices, requesting what I needed; such as a stapler, or the answer to a question, then leaving, I was cutting off their ability to maintain FAVOR RELATIONSHIPS with me.

The American paradigm that I was using was that they were busy too and that I should take as little of their time as possible. In fact, it would have been rude to stay longer than necessary and bother them. Americans hate to have their time wasted and therefore try not to waste other people’s time. My Mexican coworkers felt used. I came and got what I needed, but they didn’t feel welcome to ask me for something in return.

From the outside this cultural difference seems totally selfish. They won’t do favors if they can’t have one in return! It’s “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.” Or rather “I’ll scratch your back if you’ll scratch mine first.” In fact, it’s not selfish, it’s reciprocal as described in Cultural Differences in Friendships and Favor Networks .

I was focused on producing, producing, producing. In my mind they were totally welcome to come into my office and take whatever they wanted. But they did not FEEL welcome to ask me for favors. Without the polite niceties and the time to exchange them, they were left with a very yucky feeling.

An outgrowth of learning this cultural difference is the realization that my coworkers don’t care how hard I work, nor how much I produce. They care how well I RELATE to them and how strong our favor relationships are.

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The cultural differences in how we define honesty create differences in the phrases that we use to express ourselves.

The U.S. and Canada

As I explain in another page (cultural differences dictate that often you shouldn’t say what you mean), in the US and Canada we value honesty, but never stop to think about the fact that most of us share a common definition of “straight talk”; of what honesty means, what honesty sounds like. Furthermore, we never stop to think that in other countries, people might not have the same definition as we do.

Mexico

In Mexico a lot of what we consider honesty, they consider blunt, rude, and down-right abrasive. Mexicans feel attacked by our straight talk.

I Don’t Know

Mexicans don’t really like it when I say, “I don’t know.” They feel betrayed because saying “I don’t know” isn’t being honest (as you might think if you are from North America); it’s ignoring their obvious need for an answer. It’s completely unsupportive and rude.

When faced with a question to which they don’t know the answer, many Mexicans invent an answer in order to be polite.

You need to know this cultural difference for two reasons. Reason #1 is so that you can find a very indirect and diplomatic way to say “I don’t know.”

Remember that they have a need for an answer and are in a vulnerable position. Treat them gently. Try to find a way to help them. Say something like, “Let me find out” or “Maybe you could ask (person X).” Add on something about how you would very much like to help them, but that are sure that someone else could do a much better job.

Need to know more about cultural differences in diplomacy?
Click here to see a description of an e-book prepared by the author of this website.

Reason #2 is so that you can learn to recognize polite answers given by people who haven’t a clue in you know where and real answers. Because Mexicans WILL NOT say “I don’t know” they will avoid being rude by MAKING SOMETHING UP. The good thing is that with time you will learn to tell when they are making something up and when they actually know.

The main clue is that when they are making something up, they tend to be very vague. It’s hard to describe how to tell. Possibly, there is some subtle body language that goes along with this. I can’t really explain it to you, but with time you too will be able to tell the difference.

When you suspect that someone is avoiding those three (well, in Spanish they are two) tercultural-differences-retire-mexico-loaning.htmlrible words, the best course of action is to go and ask someone else. Sometimes you need to ask three people and sort of take the average of what they say.

No

Another honest word that you are not allowed to use in Mexico is “no.” It is a word that I miss a lot (sigh). See cultural differences in friendships for more details about why “no” is such a bad word in Mexico.

Since saying “no” is a no-no in Mexico people rarely use this word. Instead people just say “yes,” albeit more vaguely.

“How can this be?” you ask. Let me tell you, it can be a real shocker when you first live or retire in Mexico. The real damage comes in when you, as a person from a country where “no” is an acceptable response, use the poisonous little word. I’ve committed this cultural no-no many a time and, let me tell you, people’s faces fall. They feel terrible when you tell them “no.”

So, you quickly learn that you are obligated to say “yes”—even when you don’t mean it. At first you will probably feel like you are lying, but if you know how to say “no” like a Mexican (that is to not say no at all) it will become much more comfortable for you. When interacting with others tune in to when they are being vague and take note of the hedge words they use. By observing others you can build a “no saying” dictionary that will allow you to maintain good relationships with friends and acquaintances and yet remain true to your own cultural values of not lying to people.

When you are in a situation in which you want to say “no,” STOP YOURSELF. Try to say “yes” first, then add something that keeps things very vague. If saying “yes” feels too much like you are lying right to someone’s face then just give lots of excuses and say “thank you” over and over. Try to use your dictionary of hedge words that you pick up from observing others.

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Why does everyone keep my stuff? Can’t people just share without taking things?

Before you live or retire in Mexico, if you learn the nuances of loaning things you will give the correct signals and have a greater likelihood of receiving your things back. When I first lived in Mexico, I felt trapped into being more generous than I wanted to be. What took me a couple YEARS to figure out is that the cultural signals that indicate the flexibility with which you are loaning something are very different.

Click here to see a description of a practical, funny e-book prepared by the author of this website.

Just as back home, there are folks who are more likely to return things than others. In Mexico you have to judge these people pretty much the way you would back in the U.S. and Canada. You know how much you trust the person, how understanding they are, how often you see them, etc. Unlike back in the US and Canada, untrustworthy people will push you to loan them things.

If you have something that you really don’t want to loan to anyone, don’t let them even know you have it. Because of the taboo on saying “no” you could find yourself in a real pinch if someone asks you to borrow something from which you just cannot be separated. Feelings can be badly bruised if you say “no” outright.

HOW I LEARNED THIS CULTURAL DIFFERENCE THE HARD WAY

Once, the daughter of a trusted person asked me if she could borrow my English dictionary. In seconds the following thoughts flashed through my mind: I thought she would want to take it to school to use during her English class and I imagined the pressures that would be placed on her to let others use it and how easy it would be for someone to take it from her. I thought of how much it would cost in pesos to replace it and how it would have to be sent to me from the US.

I thought “no.”

I said, “no.”

The poor dear’s face fell and there was this awkward silence. I had definitely said the wrong thing. She felt terrible. I felt terrible. Then, I tried to recuperate by saying that she could use it at my house any time she wanted, but it was too late. The damage was done.

LIVE OR RETIRE IN MEXICO: HOW TO LOAN THINGS, RATHER THAN GIVE THEM AWAY

When you retire in Mexico, you don’t want to insult your new friends and neighbors, so here’s what you can do:

1. GIVE “BUTS”

If you are definitely not going to loan something, you may still want to give a vague yes answer, but avoid setting any specifics. Then when it comes time to loan the item, don’t be home, have your door closed and pretend you are taking a nap, ask the person to come back for it later because you are going to use it that very night to do such-and-such, yadda yadda yadda. Use whatever you can come up with. This is called “poniendo peros” in Spanish, which means “giving buts.” It is the tried and true system of saying yes, but creating so many blocks that the other person either tires of asking or realizes you don’t really want to share. It works well, but don’t overuse it. You will be labeled as selfish and the dreaded punishment is being “talked about,” which leaves you outside of the reciprocity system.

2. I’M ENTRUSTING YOU WITH THIS

Since you have to say “yes” at least sometimes, you need to know phrases that clearly tell the other person that you want the item back. One of these phrases is, “te lo encargo mucho.” This means “I’m really trusting you with this.” It’s a phrase that is said in situations where we don’t need a phrase in Canada and the U.S. I use it often in the office for loaning things like the only roll of tape, the good scissors, etc. to my coworkers.

Since up north people generally bring back items that you have loaned to them right after they finish using them, I didn’t know that I needed to say anything. In Mexico, if you don’t say anything, it looks like you don’t care if you get the item back, so people just leave it lying around wherever when they finish using it. Here you have to at least glance at the person and, as you are placing the item into their hand, say the magic phrase in a quiet, but serious tone. It works wonders and for me spelled relief from living without any office supplies.

3. GIVE IT BACK TO ME LATER

Another magic phrase that you need to know when you live or retire in Mexico is “give it back to me later” or, in Spanish, “Despues me lo das.” This one clarifies the fact that you are in fact LOANING something and not GIVING it to them. This one gives the loanee some time to use the item, but clearly establishes that they are, in fact, borrowing the item. Again, tell them this in the moment that you are giving it to them, but use a casual, friendly tone of voice. If you don’t remind them that they are borrowing something, they may never bring it back.

DON’T USE OLD STRATEGIES FROM BACK HOME

I used to try asking the person when they would give it back, which must have been a successful strategy back home in the Pacific Northwest, but only resulted in confusion and suspicious looks from the borrower. Don’t bother with that strategy.

Using the above strategies and phrases will greatly reduce friction with your new friends and neighbors and make the transition easier when you live or retire in Mexico.

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Along with the decision to live or retire in Mexico comes a necessity to learn to talk to your neighbors—whether you know it beforehand or not. One of the major cultural differences between Mexico and the US and Canada is the importance placed on interpersonal relationships.

Mexican friendships involve continuously building and managing extensive favor networks. When you arrive on the scene, you will be surrounded by people who already have existing friendships (and favor networks). They will naturally begin to include you. Since you won’t have any knowledge of the already existing, long-term favor networks in your neighborhood you may be at a loss about what to do. “Taking sides” is very dangerous because people will also already have existing conflicts.

I was very uncomfortable with the amount of attention I received when I first moved into my new neighborhood. I didn’t understand people’s motivation for offering help or giving me open invitations to family events, etc. Since as a north American I needed to size them up through simple, non-committal chat, I found myself backing out. For me, their offers came too early and were too forward.

People will target you when you come to live or retire in Mexico to develop favor relationships with. Mostly, Mexicans are very welcoming and love to be good friends and hosts/hostesses. Another key aspect to the favor network system is that people try to make connections to members of the upper class because those people can pull strings or do them favors when they need it. The thing is that Mexico is a very class-ist society and you, as a north American—especially if you are white, embody a precarious position. On the one hand you are pale (guero) which is generally considered a good thing. On the other hand you are American and many people have negative or mixed feelings about Americans. [If you are Canadian, English, etc. let people know right away so you can avoid the stigma of being considered American.]

I won’t get into a deep analysis of class-ism, nor the potential conflicts a north American expat may have in “playing” that system because it is beyond the scope of this web page.

The thing you need to know when you live or retire in Mexico is that you should respond humbly, and with gratitude to these advances. If you don’t play along, people will eventually give up on trying to get into extensive favor trades with you and you will feel the “heat” on you turn down. The crucial thing is that you do this with extreme grace.

Need to know more about cultural differences in interpersonal relationships? Click here to see a description of an e-book prepared by the author of this website.

If you reject people’s advances too bluntly, or don’t respond with gratitude you will be labeled as someone who thinks too highly of yourself. People will talk behind your back and not cooperate with you in the future. Lack of cooperation can show up in issues like prices at neighborhood stores, parking troubles, etc. If you are labeled as “too good for your britches” you will be the victim of ostracism and cheating.

So, when you first live or retire in Mexico, you have a two-fold objective.

RETIRE IN MEXICO NETWORKING OBJECTIVE 1:

Avoid “playing favorites” and getting yourself committed to close favor networks with certain people before you have time to get to know the people and the implications of the favors involved. This involves extreme tact and grace. Express gratitude and be vague.

RETIRE IN MEXICO NETWORKING OBJECTIVE 2:

Remain open to contact with people. TALK to people. Spend time shooting the breeze at the neighborhood store. Talk with your neighbors when you see them out and about. People love a good chat and don’t take too well to those who are always too busy. Say “buenos días,” “buenas tardes,” and “buenas noches” whenever you pass by people in the street. Don’t frown or look too serious when you walk by your neighbors.

This need to “shoot the breeze” is especially important for men. If you arrive as a couple, the man is crucial in connecting to other men in the neighborhood, while women can build connections with other women.

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This Definitely Ain’t Kansas Anymore.

You want friendships to be part of your life in Mexico. Get to know the cultural differences before you live or retire in Mexico.

The U.S. and Canada

In the U.S. and Canada, favors are granted in a very one-to-one way. We tend to trade in like-kind favors. Money favors are different from food favors. Granting one’s time to do something is different from loaning tools. Personal possessions are taken seriously. Even a good friend can say “no” to a request, if the thing requested is something the friend feels too protective over to share.

Mexico

In Mexico, one of the first cultural differences you may notice is that everything you have must be shared with those close to you. In fact, one way people will establish their closeness to you is by requesting things from you. It’s an insult to refuse people’s requests because they are not only asking for the “thing” requested, they are trying to start or strengthen a favor relationship with you. If you refuse the favor you are refusing the relationship.  (In their minds, if you won’t do them a favor, you’re not much of a friend.).

I Get Maaaaaaad!

The cultural differences in favor relationships can be stressful, confusing, and fraught with danger for those of us from north of the border. When we don’t understand them, they tend to make us mad. “I’m not in the mood for a glass of coke right now. Why the heck can’t I just say, ‘No, thanks?’” We can easily stick our foot in our mouth and say or do something that really hurts someone’s feelings. Knowing the cultural differences when you live or retire in Mexico will keep your foot on the ground, where it belongs. Also, it will keep you from feeling angry at others. (Anger is a common and uncomfortable result of culture shock).

If we understand the value of favor networks and how they work, we can drop the judgment and get along.

Need to know more about cultural differences in etiquette?
Click here to see a description of an e-book prepared by the author of this website.

The Big Picture

Mexicans, like many groups of people all over the world, live in an environment in which their relationships with others are their only or best form of insurance. These relationships often help people meet economic, political, health, and nutritional needs.

An Example

If you and I have a favor relationship and I run out of money, I can ask you for it. You have to give it to me, or break the ties, and burn bridges. I don’t have to pay it back. I’ll just owe you for life.

Later on, if you find that you need something special that I can offer, such as an introduction to a pediatrician for your sick child at midnight, I have to pay for a taxi and take you to the pediatrician, who will see your child as a favor to me (this is where the network part comes in, because I will have to do some favor or other for the pediatrician some day.) If my relationship with the pediatrician is close, he/she might not even charge you. If my relationship is not so close, he/she will just see your child at midnight, but still charge you. If I am wrong about my favor relationship with the pediatrician, he/she won’t even answer the door; just pretend not to hear me knocking.

Favor Values

The hard part for me about these cultural differences is that in my American-ness I keep judging the relative value of favors.  I am also too attached to my money. Our neighbor always asks for money, and we have to loan it to her. Later, sometimes she’ll cook something extra and send it over to us. I’m always happy to see the food because it means I don’t have to cook, but sometimes I wonder if hotdog soup, with its questionable nutritional value, really is the same as 200 pesos. On the other hand, when my husband got in an accident and was in the hospital, she showed up at 8 am and was there to help us out for two days straight (yes, you need someone with you at the hospital here, but that is another story). Just think about that. Do you have any neighbors up north who would give you 2 solid days of their time at the drop of a hat, without you even asking?  I certainly didn’t.

Now, 7 months, and 300 pesos later, I have to remember what she did for us. I’m practicing my generosity and gratitude skills. She is operating in a favor system in which my 300 pesos are equal to whatever favors she gives me. As long as the flow of favors is active, we have a working favor relationship from which we can derive MUTUAL benefits.

Rules for Cultural Differences that Everyone Who Lives or Retires in Mexico Should Employ

RULES for dealing with the cultural differences in favor relationships:

• Rule #1: Never say “no” to anyone. They will feel very hurt and rejected. (Rule #1 is really hard for Americans and Canadians to follow, because it means that sometimes we have to say something that we define as a LIE. Americans and Canadians like to consider themselves completely honest. Rule #1 can cause a lot of internal conflict. When this conflict bothers me, I go straight to Rule #3 and keep my mouth shut.)
• Rule #2: If you really can’t do a favor, come up with an excuse, but don’t use too many.
• Rule #3: Listen a lot. That way you stay out of trouble and people think you are just like them. Plus, you learn the rules.
• Rule #4: If you are feeling put-out remember, “It’s just money,” and try to see the big picture. Accepting this cultural difference will give you a chance to learn to be generous and let go of some of your American materialism.

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When you get to Mexico, the definition of honesty will surprise you. It is one of the cultural differences that you should learn about.

The U.S. and Canada

Did you know that Mexicans often say things that we consider “lies?”
The author of this website has prepared an e-book with a funny section about cultural differences and honesty.

In the US and Canada we value honesty. It is important to be honest in relationships at work, with family, and with friends. When we feel that people are honest with us, we trust them and feel comfortable interacting with them.

When we detect that someone is being dishonest with us our “bullshit” meter goes on, we get an icky feeling in the pit of our stomachs and we end the interaction.

Additionally, the phrase “beating around the bush” has a negative connotation. When someone starts to talk around something, without getting to the point, we start to feel uncomfortable and wonder, “why don’t they just get to the point?”

The thing we never stop to think about is that most of us share a common definition of “straight talk”; of what honesty means, what honesty sounds like.

MEXICO

In Mexico a lot of what we consider honesty, they consider blunt, rude, and down-right abrasive. Mexicans feel attacked by our straight talk. It is always important to find some diplomatic way of putting things.

For a North American, this is one of the cultural differences that requires a lot of effort. First of all, sometimes it’s just plain exhausting to be so round about.

Second of all, sometimes we don’t know what set of words would be diplomatic. All human beings learn–through exposure to others, the variety of ways that things are said. When you first arrive in Mexico, you won’t have this cultural background knowledge and your diplomatic phrase library will be quite limited.

Thirdly, and for me, most difficultly, sometimes what is gentle and diplomatic in Mexico would be defined as manipulative back home.

For example, the other day we were eating indoors at a fast food restaurant. There was a huge crowd of people, and all of the tables were full. We were half way through our burgers when some guy appeared in the crowd with a cigarette in his left hand! (unfortunately, this is not uncommon in Cuernavaca.)

Normally, I move myself away from cigarette smoke, because it would be rude to ask Mexicans to take their smoke elsewhere, but this time I decided not to take it. We were inside and there was nowhere for me to go.

I called out to him and said, “Favor de no fumar adentro,” loosely translated, this is “Please don’t smoke inside,” which was pretty direct, but I did use a polite phrase for requesting an action. (The phrase “Favor de” is now in my diplomatic phrases library.)

He took it pretty well and made the “give me a second” gesture (Holding the thumb and forefinger about a 1/2 centimeter apart in a pinching gesture) and skedaddled pretty quickly.

Later, my husband told me that it would be even better to say, “Disculpe señor/señorita el humo de cigarro me hace daño.” (Excuse me sir/ma’am. Cigarette smoke hurts me.) Note that this request is so indirect, it’s actually not even a request!

I Get Maaaad!

I don’t know about you, but back in the US, I hate that stuff. I consider it manipulative, because the other person is supposed to figure out what you want and do it!

So here I am, in my house in Cuernavaca, practicing a manipulative little phrase in the name of cultural differences. I don’t want to forget how to say it nicely next time I am in a similar situation.

The Big Picture

Try to get over the discomfort of doing something that doesn’t fit in with your personal/cultural definition of what is right. There is nothing that naturally makes “your way” better than “their way.” Chalk it up to cultural differences. By being flexible you will develop better relationships with others.

A not so obvious advantage of learning to do things “their way” is that you will recognize other people’s polite words for what they are.

For example, one of my in-laws is the queen of the non-request. She says all these things that I have to figure out what she wants, then do it. If I use my own cultural perspective, I feel manipulated and it drives me nuts. If I use what I’ve learned while in Mexico, I can recognize her words as an effort to be polite. …And I don’t go nuts. (That’s the real reward, you know. Not being mad at people all the time.)

RULES for dealing with the cultural differences in situations that require diplomacy:

Rule #1: Try to find a nice way to say everything.

Rule #2: Be indirect.

Rule #3: Listen a lot. You learn the cultural differences this way.

Rule #4: Ask a friend for suggestions on how to say things. I have a Mexican friend who has traveled extensively throughout the world, including in the US and Canada. She helps me handle all kinds of cultural differences. Often I go to her and explain a situation. She tries to think of phrases that I can add to my diplomatic phrase library for that particular situation.

Rule #5: If you are feeling put-out remember, your way is not the only way. You are in Mexico now.

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You’re in Mexico now. Cultural differences mean that friendship is full of uncomfortable little surprises. The cultural rules are DIFFERENT, in particular, those that define honesty.

Cultural differences give life a sort of before and after feel when you first come to Mexico. As in: before things worked, now I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong.

Did you know that Mexicans often say things that we would consider “LIES?”
The author of this website has prepared an e-book with a funny section about cultural differences and honesty.

Before

For example, friendships are defined by the giving and receiving of favors. We take turns buying each other lunch. You give me a ride home from work and I help you drop off your car at the mechanic next month. You loan me money, I pay it back when I say I will. I can’t go to your party, so I call you up the night before. I don’t want you to be looking for me, wasting money on food I won’t be able to eat. I know that you’ll understand my absence. Friendship is smooth, effortless, as long as we are honest with each other, right? Wrong. You’re in Mexico now. The cultural rules for friendships are DIFFERENT.

After

Now I have to offer you food if I’m going to eat. If I suggest that we eat out, I have to buy your food. You give me a ride, home, but I don’t have a car. How will I pay you back? You loan me money, but I don’t ever have to pay you back and it would be very rude of you to ask for it. I can’t go to your party, but I don’t dare tell you that. I tell you I’ll be there even if I know I’ll be in Timbuktu. Besides, you have to have tons of food ready because I might just show up with my family of 6: all of them hungry.

At this point, you might be saying, “Ok, so the cultural differences exist. How can I have friendships be part of my life in Mexico?” After all you wouldn’t live or retire in Mexico, if you didn’t want to have Mexican friends. Keep your foot out of your mouth by reading more about how people make friends first in Mexico and some of the cultural differences in how we have friendships.

When you first get here you will be vigorously targeted for favor relationships (as described in the page about friendships). How should you respond? Read about how talking to your neighbors helps you to build a strong future when you live or retire in Mexico .

You may have guessed that the same cultural differences will affect your relationships with coworkers. Keep your foot out of your mouth by reading more about the cultural differences in work relationships .

I mentioned honesty above. How we define honesty causes a lot of friction and frustration between ourselves and our new friends and coworkers. Surprisingly, this cultural difference in how we express honesty affects the right way to make requests . It also means that there are certain things we can’t say. Even the way we loan people our things is different in Mexico. Learn how to avoid asking why does everyone keep my stuff?

As you grow and adapt to the cultural differences you will find yourself changing. Some of these things make funny jokes. Find out what might happen to you after a year or two of living in Mexico by reading You might be becoming Mexican if…

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